Be Here Now

 Dogs are so amazing at living in the moment. If you ever just watched a dog with its eyes closed, nose tilted upward, sniffing the air - that's pure zen. There is absolutely nothing else going on in that moment. That dog is enjoying that particular moment of life.

I talked before about how hard it is to not get my hopes up on Nicki's good days. It's also hard to remember that we're not done yet. I need to remember to try to let her play while she's still here, rather than watch videos of her playing in better times. I have to remember to let the chores go for a bit, and just pet the pupper. You'd think that's a no-brainer, but I think I know what's going on.

I've been extraordinarily lucky to have had two heart dogs. Daisy, my Border Collie, was the girl of my childhood dreams. Sometimes I thought she could read my mind. I have very few good pictures of her. Cell phone cameras were pretty new then, and I didn't have mine with me much of the time. Nonetheless, she was beautiful, smart, a dream dog in every way. Then she aged, became ill, and we eventually lost her. My grief was so bad that my husband actually begged me to look for another dog. That's what led us to Nicki. 

For Daisy, I got a plastic mattress cover and put it on our bed, where she always slept. Then I covered it with her special blanket. When the vet came to our home to help her for one last time, I placed her on her blanket on our bed, and bid her goodbye in the only home she ever knew, with all her people near at hand. Later on, I regretted not having some Reese's cups for her. On that day, she could have had chocolate.After that, there was nothing. Just mourning.

I have a similar plan for Nicki. This time, I have peanut butter cups. And her blog. I'll need to say goodbye to you for her. There will be something more to do. It will hurt {I'm crying as I write this} but there's an after to get to. Something beyond just the empty pain. It's tempting to think ahead to the something after, and skip right over the pain of loss. Of course, that's not how it works.

Her good days are far more muted now. When she first came to us, I had to take in my first deep breath upon waking very carefully. When she heard me breathe in, she'd leap up onto the bed, then lay across my face and head, wiggling on her back with excitement and joy at the prospect of a new day. Sometimes it was difficult to breathe because I was laughing so hard. Now, I usually have to wake her, and she naps a lot during the day. There are still energetic times, but I have to pace her. She wears herself out when she feels well, especially if I ask her to carry on as though everything's fine. It's not fine, but it is okay.

I need to leave those memories as memories and not drag them into the present to compare with the now. I need to let her be where and when and how she is. I need to be here now, with her.

"Life Moves Pretty Fast ..."

 It's actually kind of hard to keep up at this point. A lot is happening very quickly. Much of it is pretty mundane, but some is significant. There are so many moments that bring tears - and some that are just wonderful.

Let's talk mundane stuff. I finally weaned Nicki off of Proin completely. Instead, she has gone on DES. Now that the Proin has cleared her system completely, she's back to having good solid poops, and hasn't vomited at all. Yes, we're talking dog elimination here again. That's so important, though! You can tell a lot about your pet's health by how they're eating and eliminating. With the threat of diarrhea gone, I was finally able to give her a much needed bath. I'd been cleaning her up when needed; a quick wash in the bathtub. Besides the elimination issues, there was another reason for bathing! More on that later. Back to the meds. I think the DES is giving her some nausea, although not anywhere nearly as bad as the Proin. We're past the induction phase and on to weekly dosing. Her first weekly dose seemed to not sit well. I'll give another standard dose next week to observe her reaction. If it's the same, I'm going to ask her vet if I can spread out the dose in smaller segments, and possibly over more than a day. I think the weekly dosing is for the convenience of owners, rather than the comfort of the dog. I don't mind. I'm already giving her pills three times a day. I'd rather she be as comfortable as possible, not simply easily medicated. 

So why did she need a bath if not for a messy wiggle butt? Because she went to a rocket launch, and it was hella dusty! She's been to rocket launches before. We get together annually with family for a fun day together. The rockets don't bother Nicki! She just hangs out, waiting for pets and attention. There are always plenty of folks eager to comply. This year it was extremely hot and dry. Since the launch is set up in a farmer's field, even though roads are leveled, they're unpaved and very dusty. Besides hot and dry, it was also windy. Hence: dusty dog. Don't worry; we had plenty of shade, water, and cool cars to duck into for relief. One of the pluses for Nicki at these events is the availability of little kids. She usually adores little kids! This time, she just politely accepted pets, but wasn't super excited about it. One little guy, about 18 months, was kind of having a meltdown. We walked over and asked if a fluffy puppy would help the situation. Sure enough, within minutes, both the little guy and his big sister were doting gently on Miss Nicki - not a tear in sight. She fell asleep on the way home. Good job, little girl.

She had worn out all the squeakers in one of her favorite toys, then chewed holes through the fabric. I did a little checking and found the same toy at Walmart for a low price. The husband told me to get two so she wouldn't have a dud toy again - and I did. But I noticed that she wasn't really playing as much with this one. She hasn't really been playing much at all. I can't blame her. I returned one of the toys for a refund today. It doesn't look like it will be worn out enough to need another replacement. Things like this get me down. I was in the habit of getting a special discount card for the dog self-wash at our favorite local pet supply store. When we went for that bath, we used the last punch on the card. I asked to be able to keep the card, and didn't buy a new one. Being practical can really suck.

We're not done having good days and happy times. Not yet. There's much to enjoy still, and we're going to enjoy as much of it as we can. There's no Nicki "Bucket List" like some folks do. We're not young, don't live near a beach, or a spectacular national park, or any of those Insta-worthy things. We're going to eat ice cream, and cuddle, and sit on the back porch watching hummingbirds. Nicky has enjoyed her quiet life with us, and we're going to keep right on with it for as long as we can.